PS I'll Never Forget You
by padfoot's prose
Summary: ExB "I loved you then, unconditionally and forever, and still love you now. I always will. Forever. Bella. P.S. I'll never forget you." Before Edward changes her, Bella writes letters to the people that she's leaving behind. Post-Eclipse, unrelated to BD.
1. Memories Forever

**A short story leading up to Bella getting changed. Bella x Edward. T for safety.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn or any other Stephanie Meyer stories.**

**This is _not_ meant to be my version of Breaking Dawn, even though the event in this may be in that book.**

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I was never someone to linger on memories, mostly because the more recent ones were ones that I didn't want to remember. But suddenly, now that the time had finally come to end _that_ part of my life… suddenly those memories mean the world to me.

In my mind, I had three predominant memories, the three that sometimes I'd let myself visit.

The first was Edward at the hospital in Phoenix with me, all that time ago. It wasn't a clear memory, what with the haziness from the painkillers and the intrusion of my mum – a subject who I didn't allow to feature in my memories – but it was nonetheless a powerful one. His lips on mine, his dark, cautious eyes, my racing heart beat… it was the first time I'd felt as if I truly loved him, and as if I had a reason to truly love him. The feelings still remained whenever I conjured that memory up, bearing stronger in me every time.

The second was Edward in Volterra. The warm glow of his chest, his soft eyes, the way his arms had held me with such comfort after so long apart. And the feelings! If there was one thing that I was sure I'd never forget, it was the way my heart had felt at that first moment I saw him. The tearing sensations that constantly ached me now – though to a notably smaller degree – had gone, and although I should've had other memories of when my heart was whole, no others were so vivid. I'd never been aware of the physical pain of heartbreak before then, so I'd never really noticed my heart physical condition.

The third – always the third, the final, the best – was the night we'd told Charlie of our engagement. This was probably the strangest memory, and the only one that I could be positive that no one else would ever be able to share with me, and that I'd never tell of. We hadn't done anything particularly memory-worthy, we hadn't been kissing much, and my heart hadn't been whole. But it was this that had made it so special. All it was… was Edward.

His eyes liquid gold, his lips the light pink of the sunset, his hair tousled bronze, dripping with rain. The way he'd hummed my lullaby, soft and sweet in his velvet tone. The way he'd touched my hair, my lips, my neck, as if I was the most beautiful and delicate creature in the world… as if he loved me. The way he'd kissed me. That was indescribable. Never before had I felt so much love radiate from him. Enough to – if for only a moment – block out the constant pain in my heart, make me forget about everything but him. Try to make me believe that he was enough.

And he _was_ enough.

I kept that memory the strongest in my mind, held onto it the tightest as the car pulled up outside a small wooden shack. Knowing that I was numb, knowing that I wouldn't be able to say or do anything, Edward was at my door immediately, lifting me carefully out and into the small house. If my throat hadn't been dry I would've gasped as the interior came into sight.

The walls were painted light blue – an unremarkable colour by most standards – but it was the particular shade that interested me. And terrified me. The floor was made of dark wooden floorboards; the ceiling peaked in the middle. The curtains were yellow lace. Exactly like my bedroom in Forks.

A thousand and one memories rushed through my head, many of which were ones I didn't usually allow. Me as a baby, Renee placing me lightly in my crib as Charlie stood at the door watching, a loving expression on his face as his eyes stayed fixed on my mum. My grandma sitting on the rocking chair, me on her lap, singing me songs in her soft throaty voice, trying to drown out the sounds of yelling downstairs. Renee rushing into the room, her face red and streaked with tears, grabbing for a bag and throwing all of my stuff into it, before taking my hand and pulling me to the door. Charlie, his broken expression as he stared out my bedroom window as we drove further and further away from the house, finally disappearing around a corner.

And the Blacks. The five of them, Billy, his wife Joan, Rachel, Rebecca and… the last came to my mind with a painful twinge in my chest, Jacob. All of them sitting around Charlie's lounge room, the four of us kids on the floor, avoiding eye contact. Fishing trips at La Push, crowding into Billy's little tin boat and throwing loose bits of food over the side to attract the fish. Joan wasn't in the later memories. The ones of awkward dinners where Charlie and Billy would chat happily across the table; me, Rachel and Rebecca chewing idly on our sausage rolls as a younger Jacob slept on the armchair in the corner, unnoticed and innocent. And finally the ones that I locked out the hardest…

A dark shadow shooting past, under my window in the vague shape of a reddish-brown wolf. Jacob's laughing smile as he dropped me off at my house and I tripped over the gutter in my rush to get out of the rain. His fever-warm skin under my hand on the way to the movies that night. Every expression I'd ever seen on his face: anger, frustration, sadness, pain, concern, sarcasm, happiness, peace, love…

I winced internally.

But the last hundred memories that flashed through my mind weren't of Jacob or Charlie or Renee. They were of Edward.

The crooked smile he shot me whenever he wanted me to warm to his ideas. The way his eyes smouldered, the dark topaz intensifying until I'd lost all essence of who I was, where I was; until the only thing I knew for sure was him. The sunlight glinting off his bronze hair, illuminating it with gold and red streaks. The soft glow of his skin, whether it was the sun making it sparkle or the moon making it pale to the point where he was no more than a ghostly spectre before me.

His arms tight around me, laying with me in my bed and pressing kisses to my hair and neck. His chest rising and falling rhythmically as he whispered my lullaby, each note more beautiful and perfect than the last. His eyes closed as he rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, holding me loosely, but so close that I could never be sure how reluctant he really was to let go.

His expression now: sad, uncertain and worried. He was grieving already.

And I wanted to be angry with him. I wanted to yell and scream and cry until he'd take me away from this house… this room that brought back all of those unwanted memories. I wanted to hurt him, to make him feel the physical pain that I felt right now, the way it stung my heart, my lungs, my head. The way it felt like I was about to shatter into a million pieces and be scattered across the world.

But I couldn't.

He _knew_ what my pain was like, he knew far worse than it. He knew about painful memories and broken hearts. He knew what it was like to feel vulnerable and empty. He _knew_…

The pain of knowing that was far greater and far worse than my own pain.

Slowly, haltingly, I reached for him – not sure exactly when he'd placed me on the bed, but not caring anyway. He didn't react. He didn't reach back, or lean down to make it easier for me to touch him. He stayed still as a statue, his eyes full of pity and remorse and sorrow. His eyes full of _me_.

It was too much pain for me to bear.

Angrily – with a sharp snarl to match it – I pushed myself off the bed and into him. My arms weren't ready to hold myself to him, but I knew he'd hold me. I knew how much he needed me right now.

It didn't feel like he'd moved, but suddenly his arms were around me. I was pulled, hard, to his chest, almost choking as I tried to keep breathing against his steel grasp. His marble lips pressed to my hair, my forehead, my cheeks, my eyes… anywhere they could reach they kissed with desperate ferocity. I realised that he thought this was the end. He thought my life was over now, and therefore his too. He didn't think I'd survive.

"No!"

The strangled cry escaped my lips with more power than I thought I possessed. Using that sudden power, I pushed him away, and managed to stay standing as his stumbled back a few steps, looking shocked.

"Edward, no." I repeated, my voice already getting calmer and more controlled. The power was wearing out quickly.

Anxious not to miss saying any of the things that I needed to say, I barrelled straight into my speech, not even thinking to consider the words before they left my mouth.

"Don't be like this, don't act like it's the end of this… of _us_. It can't be the end yet, because you promised me forever, and forever goes for a hell of a lot longer than this has been. I _want_ forever, I _need_ forever; nothing else will be enough with you.

"Ever since I met you, ever since I first laid eyes on you, I've loved you. And I always will. No matter what. And with you, there isn't a beginning or an end. Because forever doesn't have either of those. It just _is_. It was just meant to be.

"You know I'm right."

He opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn't stop tumbling out of mine.

"I need this, and I need you to do this. You know me so much better than I do, and you know what I need better than I do, and even when the thing make me upset," I gestured to the room around us, "-it's still the right thing to do. I still need it.

"I've been trying to block the memories out, to hide them away, to try and forget. But I guess when I'm faced with forever, it'll take longer for things to fade and disappear. I might never forget. And you know that. That's why I need to hurt, because it's better to hurt now, at the end, than to hurt forever. Everyone needs pain, and nothing' s immune to it. Look at you, a vampire, practically indestructible, yet you've faced pain that I don't think I'll ever have to face.

"And just because you're so much stronger and more selfless than me, doesn't mean that you can keep letting me run from my pain. Even if you hate to see me sad." For a moment I pictured his tortured expression under Jane's gaze. It shot a shiver through my body, and shut me up better than anything else could've. Except perhaps what happened next.

Edward's icy lips touched mine. But it was so soft, so loving, that they almost felt warm. The kiss wasn't long or deep, but it lingered long after he pulled away, and fixed me with the full force of his golden eyes.

"I promised never to hurt you again." He said solemnly. "And that promise was unconditional, even if you think the pain is necessary. Even if-" he broke off, a shadow crossing his eyes. "Even if _I_ think it is necessary."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do anything. The pain in his eyes – the pain at thinking of inflicting pain on me – was unbearable to watch. He shouldn't have to feel that because of me. But for whatever reason it was impossible for me to communicate that to him. Impossible.

"I wanted you to choose this, I wanted you to do this for _you_, not for me. But as each moment you get closer to becoming one of…" his eyes burned, with pain or intensity, I couldn't tell which. "One of us. A vampire. But you are doing it for me."

I shook my head, shocked when I saw my own tears splatter onto the floor.

"Everything it for you. Everything is about you. Everything in my life… and everything after it…" I met his gaze steadily, confident and relived that my tears were halting. "It's not going to change, not matter how bad you feel about it."

And then it happened. He smiled.

It was sad, and didn't quite reach his eyes fully, but the side of his mouth pulled up into a reluctant smile. Finally I could smile too.

"Do you mean that it's hopeless of me to want you to do anything for anyone other than me?" he asked, his tone cautious but joking.

"No. I mean that I'd do anything for you, but I have my limits as to what I'd do for others."

"Like, for example, you'd jump off a cliff for me."

He said in a mock-casual tone, but his eyes were smiling and as I rolled my eyes his lips pulled into a satisfactory smile too.

"No one's ever going to let me forget that, are they?"

"Never." He whispered, his tone suddenly serious and his lips suddenly at my ear. "Never in forever."

And slowly, painfully – a burning line of fire followed by a feeling colder than ice – his lips trailed down my cheek, along my jawbone, over my chin, down to the middle of my neck. My pulse was jumping around madly, my heart thrashing my chest, as if doing it's utmost to keep going until there was no blood for it to pump. I was almost sad as I realised I'd never hear or feel that familiar pulsing again. Never be able to feel it speed up when Edward came near me.

He felt my pause, and his lips traced back up to mine, kissing them softly. I was more aware than usual of his venom-coated teeth so close to me.

Never again would I feel his coldness against my warm skin. Never again would I shiver whenever he touched me and be able to disguise it. Never again would he have an excuse to leave me. The last was by far the most comforting.

For the second time, his lips trailed back down to my neck, kissing it right at the point where I could feel my pulse stuttering. For a tiny second I wondered what would happen when it stopped. What would it feel like the moment my heart stopped beating? One word echoed through my head. _Pain_.

Pain beyond anything I'd felt before, apparently. That part I found pretty hard to believe. I'd felt terrible pain. _Then again_ – the more intellectual side of me pointed out – _the worst pain I'd witnessed was tearing apart my heart, this was stopping it all together, which should be immeasurably worse_. I quickly shut that bit of me up.

Edward's lips drew back, and for the first time ever I felt his sharp teeth. They felt like a razor blade, so sharp that you know even the slightest prick will tear through your skin. I shivered and again Edward's lips curled back over his teeth and kissed me.

"Sorry." I whispered, my voice hoarse.

He almost laughed in response, and I could understand how he might be thinking that this was as far from my fault as possible.

I waited, but his lips wouldn't draw back again.

"You wanted to say something?"

Puzzled, I unthinkingly pulled away to look him in the eyes. How did he know that I wanted to speak before I even did?

"Did I?"

He nodded, attempting a smile but mastering more of a grimace.

"What was it?"

He seemed uncomfortable, almost embarrassed. "You said, a little while ago, that before you… before this, you wanted everyone to know how you felt." He paused, obviously hoping that was enough. My mind was still blank. "How you felt about me."

I shivered again, maybe it was more of a tremble really, but it was because I realised he was right. I'd told him – in a casual way – to remind me to write a letter to Charlie and Renee before this happened, to explain as much as I could before it was too late. At the time, all I'd wanted to explain was why I'd never be able to see them again, but now I wanted to explain so much more.

A pen and a piece of paper were set out on the small, round table on one side of the room. I looked up at Edward, who inclined his head towards them wordlessly.

_Dear Charlie and Renee,_

_This is hard - you have no idea how hard -to do… to write this. Because in this letter I need to tell you everything about me, all the stuff that I'll never be able to tell you later. I'm sorry, but I can't tell you why, please just know that I can't tell you because I love you too much, and that if I told you… that's not something that I can think about._

_I know that I'll never be able to understand the love that parents have for their children; it's so unconditional and unstoppable that I suppose it doesn't exist in any other way. You're born with that sort of love, you can't earn it or create it._

I glanced up at Edward as I wrote this bit, but he didn't seem concerned.

_And I'm not writing this because I don't love you, I'm writing it because I do. So much. I'm writing it to tell you that I'll never forget you – never – or what you've done for me. And maybe in three or four years I'll be able to talk to you again, over the phone or something, maybe even see you, but by then I won't be me anymore._

Edward growled at my shoulder, either because of how close I'd gotten to saying too much or because of how I'd said I wouldn't be me. Maybe both. I ignored him.

_I guess to start with, the most important thing for me to say is that I love him, Edward, and that none of any of this is his fault. He didn't want it, I did. So blame me, not him, okay? Edward is everything to me, I need to be with him; this at least I think you can both understand. He's too big of a part of me for me to be able to let go, no matter what happens. I love him more than anything else. Sorry._

_And I know what you're both probably thinking, you're thinking that this is the same mistake you two made: getting married too early, rushing something that only gets better over time. But can you trust me when I tell you that it had to be rushed. It had to be. Time was the one thing that Edward and me never had._

_Soon we'll have heaps of it, plenty of it, too much of it by some standards, and then we'll slow down again. I promise._

_I'd just like you to know, that right now I'm thinking of you – both of you – and us, as a family. We haven't been a family for so long, it's strange to imagine you two reading this together, maybe crying a little. It's nice though. Whole, complete… right, I guess. For me at least. Obviously for you it isn't._

_I used to block out all those memories, the happy ones of all of us. I think I thought it would make it awkward between the two of you, if I always treated you like Mum and Dad as a couple, not as separates. But to me you always will be Mum and Dad; it's that's simple. I'm sorry if it's awkward, but you're my family, so even though you mightn't be a member of each other's family, you're both a member of mine. If it helps, pretend you're cousins or something._

_But to be honest, I only have one clear memory of us as a family._

_Remember when we painted my room? I was almost one, and could barely hold a paintbrush up properly. Dad spilled the entire tin on my floor, and then we had to try and paint the whole room before the spill dried. I, of course, slipped in it and got covered in blue paint. All I remember clearly is the smell. It was awful. But strangely, that's always been a happy memory for me, maybe because it's one of my only ones._

_I loved you then, unconditionally and forever, and still love you now like that. I always will. Forever._

I paused when a single tear dropped onto the paper, pooling in the empty space above which my pen hovered. Edward's cold steel hand carefully grasped mine, which I suddenly realised was shaking uncontrollably. He guided me in writing the last few lines.

_Edward says sorry, and promises that you'll see me again. Him too._

_Love, unconditionally and forever, Bella._

_P.S. I'll never forget you._

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**So that was Memories Forever, I plan on continuing it.**


	2. Broken and Torn

**Sorry that this took so long, but I was finding it very hard to decide what Bella would write in this letter. Just from that you can probably guess who it's to. Anyway, I think this may be the last chapter, but I also might add one more, just a short one to finish it up, so keep wathcing out for the finale.**

**I've ben having quite a bit of trouble with my writing lately, so for all my stories I can almost guarentee that they won't be updated soon (that's if I have any to update... do I?). I might be starting another series of oneshots, similar to I Want but for Animorphs. But people reading this probably have no interest in either High School Musical or Animorphs, so you're probably the wrong ones to tell. But if you would at least review something liek that (even if it's just to say that you hate Animorphs/have never heard of it) then that might be an incentive enough to actually post it. Maybe.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. As if.

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I sat at the little table, one sealed envelope lying before me. I couldn't help but feel as if I'd only done the easy part. And dried tears still stained my face.

Behind me, Edward stood motionless, and, although I couldn't see him, I knew his expression was hard and set. He didn't want to think about what I was going to do next – he shouldn't need to think about it. A bitter taste flooded my mouth. Why was I such a bad person?

"Bella," his voice was soft and his tone was controlled. He knew that by breaching the subject he was stepping on very thin ice. "You want to do this, even if you don't know it."

I dropped my head, closing my eyes so that I didn't have to look at the piece of paper before me. I was in pain, that much I knew, but the pain was so source-less and impulsive, that it was almost like I was meant to feel like that. Like it was hardly a feeling at all, more of a constant thing. It had been there for so long that I was numb to it. And I hated that. I wanted to hurt, to be able to sting one more time. To feel bad for as long as I could before I'd forget how it felt.

"You're wrong." I muttered, quietly.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. I don't want to do this. I _need _to."

"Same difference."

I shook my head stubbornly. He was wrong.

Using my anger as energy, I reached out for the pen. My hand slammed onto the tabletop. Frowning in frustration I felt around for the pen, still keeping my eyes trained on the paper. I still couldn't find it. Had I really slammed my hand that far away from where the pen was?

"Where's my pen?" I asked, my voice high pitched and much more feeble than I'd hoped.

Edward made a small noise behind me and I felt him move away from my chair.

"Give it back."

Silence.

"Edward, give it back." My tone was growing hysterical.

I heard bedsprings creak as he sat down. He was on the other side of the room already. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stand up and walk over to him. My entire body felt numb. I doubted that my legs would work at all.

"Give me the pen!" I yelled, my voice was throaty; I could feel more tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't even know why I was crying.

"Come over here."

"No!"

"Bella, come."

"No! I don't want to!" The tears were running freely down my face now. I was barely aware of my hysteria anymore; it felt as if I was far beyond any sane emotion.

"Why are you angry?" His tone was worried and sad. It caused me actual pain to imagine his expression, so I didn't.

At first I had no plan to answer his question, I was much too angry, but something about the way he asked it struck a chord.

"I can't feel anything, Edward! I should be sad, scared, worried, confident, something! But I'm not feeling anything – I've gone numb – and I don't want to live the last few moments of my life like this! I want to feel something! Anything!" I collapsed in my chair, my head falling heavily onto the table. The crash was loud enough to make me think tat it should've hurt. It didn't.

"What's wrong with me, Edward? Why can't I feel anything?"

Before I knew what was happening two cold arms were wrapped around me and I was in the air. Edward carried me carefully back to the back and laid me down on it, extracting his arms from under me and then siting down beside me. My breaths were quick and thin, my heart was hammering much too fast and my eyes were dry and stinging. It took me a moment to realise that all of those things were things that I felt.

Just that made my breaths suddenly deepen and my heart slow. No more tears attempted to leak from my puffy, red eyes.

"Bella, relax, please."

I nodded slowly, trying to calm my breathing. Edward stayed beside me, motionless in such a way that made me think he was ready to spring to my aid if he thought I'd need his help. But the thing that was wrong with me couldn't be fixed by Edward. I knew that. He knew that. And the thought of that pained him.

"How long?" I murmured, my breaths still a little raspy. "How long will I still be human for?" I'm not sure why I wanted to know, and a part of me was conscious that the decision was mine, not his. Nonetheless I wanted to know. I desperately wanted to know.

"As long as you like. Forever. You could be human forever."

A choked sob escaped my lips as I shook my head fiercely.

"Forever doesn't exist if I'm a human. And I want forever. I want you forever."

"Do you?"

His tone was one of actual questioning; he honestly thought that I didn't want this. How wrong he was. As I opened my mouth to answer him, he cut me off.

"Bella, wait, let me rephrase that: do you want this forever? Because it will all be there." I looked up at him, and, just to emphasize his point he motioned around the room. The letter on the table, the blank piece of paper beside it. The walls and floor and roof, everything that I used to have, all of the memories of it. Did I really want those memories forever? "Do you really want to remember everything that you once had forever?"

"It will fade. The memories will fade with time." I muttered, trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to convince him. "You said it yourself, you barely remember your life as a human."

"I barely had a life as a human. Not in comparison to what you have. All of my family was dead, everyone and everything I loved was gone when Carlisle changed me. What sacrifice did I make?"

"You sacrificed your life."

"It was going to be sacrificed anyway."

"That's beside the point." I insisted.

"And I didn't sacrifice it, Carlisle did."

"You blame him for it?"

"Of course not. I thank him, millions of times over. If he hadn't chosen for me to make that sacrifice I would never have met you." His eyes were smouldering, burning into mine. "But I don't want to be Carlisle. I don't want to be the one to choose whether or not you make that sacrifice. I don't want to do it – you have to. It's your decision to make."

"It's not my life that will be ruined once I'm dead."

"I know. But I can handle that. I'd still do anything to spend al the time up until then with you."

"I don't want to spend _that_ time with you. I want to spend _all_ of time with you." My tone was insistent, almost whiny, but I had to get the point across. He had to understand. "I can cope with the memories and the pain, as long as I know that once it's all over you'll still be here."

"But, Bella, that's the problem. It's never _all over_. Eternity is forever- nothing ever finishes. Nothing is ever over."

A single tear escaped from my eye. It left a fiery trail as if rolled down my cheek, dropping onto the mattress beneath me. Only then did I realise that I was sitting up now, my face inches away from Edward's. Both of us were panting from the argument. And both of us could feel the tension mounting between us. Maybe there was a better way to express my passion than in words.

Quickly, so that he wouldn't have time to stop me, I dipped my head forward and closed the gap between us. My kiss was desperate, right now I needed to feel him, I needed to explain to him, I needed him.

He returned the passion a hundred times more powerfully, grasping my face between his hands and pulling himself closer to me. I shivered as his icy tongue traced my lips.

Leaving my mouth so that I could take a few gasping breathes, his lips moved down to my neck, kissing from my collarbone to my chin and back again. The sensation spreading through me was like electricity, jolting through my body and making me buzz with energy. Energy and confidence.

My hands traced over his shoulders and to the collar of his shirt.

Simultaneously, two things happened. A pair of vice-like hands gripped mine, and pulled them away from his shirt, and his lips ceased their intense kisses on my neck. I was hard to decide which disappointed me more.

"You have a letter to write." He murmured. I could tell that he wasn't breathing, but didn't need to wonder why. My own breaths were much too fast to be completely healthy.

Nodding, I stood and walked numbly back to the table, sitting stiffly on the chair. After a moment Edward followed me, standing in the same place as before, just behind my chair. I leant into his chest for a moment before taking the pen that he'd replaced on the table.

The moment it touched the paper, words seemed to straight from my thoughts to the pen, and as it skimmed along the page smoothly, I barely noticed how fast I was writing.

_Dear Jacob,_

_I'm sorry. Maybe that's all I should say in this letter, I'm sure it would be easier for both of us if it was, but it would also be better for both of us if I said more. I sort of feel like sorry doesn't quite cut it. In fact, I know that sorry is nowhere near enough for you, hen again, nothing I can do or say will ever be enough for you. I'm sorry for that, as well._

_I don't supposed it really matters to you where I am now or who I'm with. Maybe the latter matters – a little – but I'm sure you know anyway, so why waste time with the small talk? After all, I didn't write this to you to discuss Edward, did I? I can't help but wonder how you reacted to reading that. Were you angry? Annoyed? Upset? I guess I'll never know, will I? But I'd like to know. I'd like to still know you, to keep knowing you, no matter what sort of boundaries are placed between us._

_There are so many things that I wish I could've told you face to face. So many things that you deserve to know, but probably wouldn't want to. In case you're wondering, they're not the type of things that I'd write in a letter. So now you have some sort of incentive to see me again. I hope that's enough of one for you, because I'd hate to lose you again. We both know how I get when I lose people who I love. We both know that you wouldn't want that to happen. Or at least I know that. Maybe you do, maybe you need a little while to figure it out yourself. I hope that doesn't take too long. It's barely been a month and I miss you already._

_I don't think I have much to explain to you, you are so much a part of this world that you already know most of it. Much more than I would ever have let you know if you weren't a part of it all. Does that count for something? Anything? Does the fact that I wouldn't have forced all of this upon you like it has been if it had been my choice comfort you? Maybe not. I hope it does. I like the idea that maybe you and me could just have been normal. Normal friends, best friends, maybe more, later. But just for now, we'd be friends. Wouldn't that be great?_

_It's funny (almost) that when I write to you like this the only feeling I can convey is happiness. I'm pretty sure that's you, or at least the way I remember you. My sun. My bright, shining ball of happiness and joy. Always smiling, playing, having fun. Always living. That's something that I've never really been able to do, and that I never really will be able to do. Not after now, not after… well, you know. It's not that I'm in denial. It's just that when I talk to you - just to you as Jacob, _my_ Jacob, not the werewolf or the Jacob who kissed me – I can't bring myself to talk about stuff like that. It's so natural yo hide it all, deny it all, pretend that I'm normal, pretend that I'm like you. But I'm not normal, or like you, I never was and because of the way things have turned out I never will be. From now on, it won't just be Bella and Jacob and Edward. It won't be Virgos and Geminis; we'll be Vampires and Werewolves. We won't be _us _anymore._

_That scares me. It scares me a lot more than I'll ever really be able to accept; I think feelings that intense and big just sort of make me numb rather than actually feel them. You've witnessed that. You know how I am when I'm numb. But you also know how to make me feel again. You know how to make me alive and how to forget the numbness. Sure, it's still there, that pain, that terrible feeling so great that its too overwhelming to even consider, but its not as big, not as scary or as menacing. I'm sort of hoping that you can do that now. I know you're not actually here, but maybe if I just know that you're thinking of me, trying to help me from all that way away, maybe then I'll be able to get through it._

_Just because I don't love you enough doesn't mean that I don't love you at all. Because I do. And that bit of my heart, that bit of pain and suffering will always be there. Even if it doesn't beat, my heart is still there. It's still intact; it's still willing to break at the smallest warning. It still has that one tear that will never fix._

_So maybe you can help me, maybe you can help me to forget about that little tear, to forget about the part of me that longs to be with you. I know it's cruel, and I know it's a terrible thing to ask of you, but maybe that sun in you can help me to forget the break in my heart and instead remember the bit of it that is now a part of yours. Because I know I can trust you with a piece of my heart, and I know that even if it is torn in two, the piece of those two that you have will be safe. You won't give it back, sure, but you'll help me to forget that you even have it. Just like a friend that's taken your favourite top and denies that they have it, even though they know that you know that they do._

_And yes, I agree, that was a terrible example._

_But you know what I mean._

_See what I mean about the happiness thing? Even when I'm talking about you ripping out a piece of my heart and taking it for yourself I can't hep but joke about it. What can I say? My sun is a very bright one. Bright enough to be able to warm me even when the rest of me is cold. Bright enough to make my skin sparkle like a diamond whenever its light falls on me. Bright enough to keep me smiling, even when I'm broken. Wow, my sun must be pretty bright. And it is. I know it is, maybe it doesn't know just yet though. So if you ever see _my _sun, _my _Jake, tell him please? Because I'd love to keep in contact with him. I'd love to see him again._

_And remind him that he owes me a lifetime of servitude. Which, for me, means an eternity of servitude. Handy, right?_

By my shoulder, Edward let out a reluctant chuckle. I turned to smile at him briefly, before signing off.

It was right to end it like this, wasn't it? It was right to end everything with me smiling, not crying. It was right for to end with Jacob's name on a letter before me, the word love right beside it. He deserved that, at least. I deserved that: to sign off with a bit of class. Not sobbing my eyes out as I remembered the sacrifice I was making, but laughing as I remember the great times I'd had leading to this, and the ones I could still have in the future.

My life was far from over. It was just at a brand new beginning; that was all.

_Love, for as long as you're still my Jacob, Bella._

_P.S. I'll never forget you_


	3. Ice and Fire

**I know that this has taken a while to update, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't really think of a good ending. I aslo know that about halfway throguh this Edward's personality changes immensely so it doesn't really make sense. That was accidental because I weote it in two parts so I just sort of assumed that it'****d flow and it didn't. Sorry.**

**I'm also sorry in advance for the hugely confusing ending, if you don't really gte it I'll explain in it at the end.**

**Disclaimer: Nup, not mine, I would never, EVER have accepted those cast members to play my characters.

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Two sealed envelopes now lay on the table. Edward had written the addresses on the front, and his graceful, sloping characters throwing my rough, scrawled ones to shame. I was glad that my writing didn't show through the envelope. My only fear was that Jacob wouldn't open his because of Edward's writing on the front, but, as I was confident to assure myself, Jacob had never seen Edward's writing, so wouldn't recognise it.

My eyes were still dry as I watched Edward finish addressing the letters and slip them into his pocket. Then he turned to look at me, his angel's face bathed in sadness that only made its beauty greater, but in a more tragic way.

"You can't let me go near those letters again, okay?" I asked across the room, from my seat on the bed.

Edward nodded, his expression still full of pain.

"Do you promise?" I pushed, knowing that I had to be absolutely certain before anything else could happen.

He nodded again, patting his pocket lightly.

I forced a smile onto my face, and it surprised me how real it actually felt. I was happy. Happy that I'd said my goodbyes properly. Happy that I'd said enough to let everyone I loved know how much they meant to me. Happy because I knew that no matter what, Charlie, Renee and Jacob would get those letters. Edward had promised me. And he knew how much his promises meant to me.

He drifted across the room to my side, kneeling down in front of me and grasping both my hands in his. I was reminded forcedly of when he'd proposed to me, but his expression – the way his eyes had less sparkle than ever, despite their rich gold colour, the way his pale lavender, perfect lips were turned down at the corners, his whole face tense and sad – reminded me of what was really happening. What I was about to make him do.

And all of a sudden he guilt that must have been welling up ever since I'd first laid eyes on him began spilling out.

The things that I'd put him through, the sacrifices that I'd forced him to make, the sadness that I'd made him feel, the torture that I'd evoked on him… everything that I'd ever done had effected him.

But I couldn't cry. I promised myself never to cry again, the last of my tears had already been shed, and besides I doubted that there was any water to make my tears left in me. My eyes stung and my tear ducts must have been reaching for water, but no tears fell down my cheeks. I was beyond the kind of sadness that I could express.

All I could do was choke out a feeble, "sorry," and collapse into Edward's arms.

And, despite knowing what a terrible person I was, despite being out through all of his troubles because of me, despite loving such a terrible, horrible, selfish person; he held me. Edward drew me into his arms, cradling me against his chest.

"I think I now know why Carlisle never asked us," he murmured against my hair. "We never had to do this. We never had to say goodbye. We never had to see our entire life's worries and faults flash before our eyes as we gave in to this living death. You are not so lucky."

I shook my head. He was wrong. If I had been a _good person_, a truly good one, like Charlie or Jacob… or Edward… if I had been, then this wouldn't happen. If I was as truly good as people like them were, then none of this guilt would be in them. They didn't feel regret, they didn't feel selfishness or dishonesty. They were too good a people to feel any of that. I wasn't. I deserved it. I'd bee the one to heap guilt on others. I'd been the one to take whatever I needed, completely disregarding everyone else. I'd been the bad person through it all. And only now did I finally realise that.

"Bella," Edward said warningly, possibly reading something from my expression. "You're a good person."

I shook my head.

"You have loved, you have been happy, you have given without expecting anything in return. Not many people of your age have done so much good for others, Bella." He whispered, his voice hypnotic and unwavering.

I shook my head again. He was wrong.

"I've put people in pain – you, Jacob, Charlie, Renee, Alice. I've been selfish, taking only what _I _want without considering everyone else."

"And you think that no one else has?" Edward challenged, anger hinting in his tone. "I should never have le myself love you, I should have let you live your life, a real life, whole and full and complete. A life without me."

"My life wouldn't be complete without you." I disagreed.

"It would if you'd never met me. If I'd never let you feel what it was like to love me. If you'd never met me, if I'd never existed, then you would have had a real life. You wouldn't have ended up here." He insisted.

"No, you're right, I wouldn't be here. I would be dead somewhere in Port Angeles, or La Push, or Forks, or even Phoenix."

"You don't know that."

"And you don't know that I wouldn't of."

Edward sighed, and pushed me off his lap. I stayed on the floor, leaning against the side of the bed as he walked to other side of the room, stopping at the table. We were both silent.

Slowly, not wanting to disrupt Edward from his thoughts, I pulled my self back up onto the bed and lay down on it, facing the wall. It hadn't escaped me that to change me into a vampire – which, after all, was the point of coming to this little shack – would require Edward's participation. I also knew that he wasn't going to do anything if he was angry.

So I waited.

I didn't even hear him come over to me. All I felt was a light gust of his breath on the back of my neck. Then his lips touched me. And finally, for what I knew would be the last time ever I exploded with emotion.

It was like the first time he'd kissed me all over again, but this time there were no boundaries, no careful rules and no safety. We wanted it to be dangerous. I wanted to be able to feel for one last time, not things like love and happiness; all of those feeling would still exist later. It was the feel of all of my blood rushing to my lips, my face, my entire body buzzing with energy and excitement.

The blush that Edward loved so much flooded my cheeks, and he caressed them, still with the normal gentleness and tenderness, but also with a new passion and hunger. Lust.

My heart hammered relentlessly in my chest, so hard that I was sure Edward could feel it through my skin. He just smiled into the kiss and pulled me closer.

Somehow he'd turned me around to that I was facing him. We were both lying on the bed, locked together in an unbreakable embrace. One of his hands cupped my cheek, the other gripped my waist. The feel of his cold skin on mine sending more shivers through me.

And me.

My hands ran all over him, jumping from his cold face to the icy panes of his chest to his sculpted arms. Always pulling him closer to me.

I wanted to get rid of every tiny breath of air that escaped between our bodies. I wanted Edward and I to be so close that nothing would ever be able o pull us apart ever again. I didn't want to have to think or feel – those trifles just got in the way. The only thing I wanted was _him_. Totally and completely. No matter what it cost me.

In that moment of fiery lust and uncontrolled passion, he did it. So simply, so quickly, that I barely even felt the prick as his teeth pierced my skin. His lips were covering mine again before I had a chance to scream at the sudden pain.

And for whatever reason, the pain stopped.

I still knew that Edward's venom was spreading through my body. I could still feel the fire burning through my veins as my blood turned cold. But it didn't matter. Because with everything else that I was feeling, I was completely oblivious to the pain.

Everything else was too intense, too concentrated, too vivid for there to be room for me to feel anything else.

It was bliss. It was exactly what I'd needed. It was exactly what Edward had known I'd needed.

And only then – in the midst of the pain that I didn't feel and the passion that was its own type of excruciating hurt – did I notice where he'd bitten me.

The first few buttons of my blouse had been undone, although I didn't remember doing it myself. And over the place where my heart was – had been – was a half-moon shape. The shape of a vampire bite.

I should have known. Edward would never have accepted the idea of taking my life from me, but he had because he'd loved me. So, to make up for what he'd done, he'd given me a new heart. One that would be noticeably more silent, but also much more permanent. And just as important.

_Dear Alice,_

_I know it seems silly to write to you, after all I should be seeing you in less than a week, but I thought that there were a few things I should fill you in on before you and everyone else visited._

_Firstly, the process of changing me went well, I barely felt the pain, really, and Edward had not trouble in distracting himself from drinking my blood. I'm sorry if you didn't want to know that last part, but it's true nonetheless. And you'll never guess where he bit me. Well, I suppose you already knew before I did, but I'll tell you anyway. It was over my heart, or what used to be my heart. He wanted to make up for the loss he was causing me, so now I have a new heart. Sort of. But this one is truly his. It wouldn't be here without him._

_Secondly, the hunger is manageable. There are no humans here, so I will have a perfectly clean slate even once you visit. Then again, I haven't yet been exposed to the smell of anyone, so I suppose the hardest part isn't over yet._

_And the strength is amazing! It's like I can do anything, anything at all, without even thinking about it. But my clumsiness hasn't gone. I supposed it wasn't all from my blood then. As in, from my parents… get it? You can probably get how annoyed Edward is getting with the feeble attempts at vampire jokes. I'm guessing he's heard them all before._

_It's funny, whenever a day ends, I keep thinking: 'okay, time to go to bed', but I don't. Strange actually. I feel like I'm tired but I can't sleep. I wish I could do something during the night. Edward always leaves to go off and find more food for me, he won't let me hunt with him yet, just in case we happen upon some lost travellers or something, I think. But when the rest of you get here he says he'll let me out, even _I _can't escape from a whole coven of full-grown vampires apparently. I'd love to try just to prove him wrong._

_And, strangely enough, I'm _happy_. Not the full happiness that people (/beings) only experience once in their life, but that general happiness, like finally I have achieved everything that I wanted to, and now I can just settle down and relax a little. It feels good to take a break from being the prey, although I'm certainly not the predator yet. I'm much too clumsy to ever truly be a predator. Or even a vampire. Which I think Edward likes. He says that he's never seen me as 'just another person', so it figures that even with this change I wouldn't be 'just another vampire', but I was a little worried about that. I think the clumsiness proves that I'm not._

_I really am looking forward to seeing you, and Esme and Carlisle and Jasper and Emmett and Rosalie too, if they can all make it. But I don't think all of us will fit in this little home of Edward's and mine. I guess that problem can wait until it comes._

_Please say hello to Charlie for me. And Renee and Jacob too, if you see either of them. I promised them that I'd be back… eventually. But eventually has a very different meaning for them than it does for me now._

_Love, as I always plan to, Bella._

_P.S. Whatever happens, wherever either of our paths take us in the future, even if it means we won't see each other for centuries: I'll never, ever, forget you._

Edward's head rested on my shoulder, his soft breaths tickling my cheek. Smiling, I folded the letter in half and slipped it into an envelope, seeling it in one smooth, fluid motion. Handing the envelope to Edward, I stood from my chair, easily pushing him out of the way from behind me, and skipped gracefully to the bed. I didn't trip until my last step, which sent me falling onto the mattress anyway, so it didn't really matter.

A low chuckle came from behind me as Edward caught me around the waist flipping me around so that I was on my back. Slowly, cautiously, he lowered himself down over me, careful to hold himself so that his chest pressed against mine, but none of his weight was on me.

I sighed as he leant to kiss me, his cold lips gentle and smooth on mine, his sweet breath flooding my mouth.

It was difficult not to wonder why he was still so careful with me now, even though I was obviously much less breakable than before. My kisses lost their enthusiasm as I considered that thought. Why was he still acting as if I was a human?

Edward's mouth left mine as he slowly trailed kisses over my cheeks, along my jawbone, over my chin, and down my neck. He paused there, his nose skimming lightly along my collarbone, as if taking in the scent I no longer had. Marble lips touched my chest, right over the place where my heart had once beat, where now the crescent shape was scarred into my skin. With another low chuckle, I felt a shiver of panic run through me as Edward drew back his lips and his teeth touched my skin.

The pain was unbearable as he bit into me, his jaw inking through skin and muscle, right to my heart. I could feel the moment that it stopped beating. I could feel the real fire burning through my veins, seeping through my body. The cold that trailed behind the fire was even worse.

But the worst thing of all was the terror that exploded inside me when Edward took that first gulp of my blood.

**Confusing much? Yeah, I know it was, but see I had this idea that maybe it wouldn't work on Bella the first time that Edward bit her. I mean, seriously, she's weird already when it comes to magic powery things, so why not extend her weirdness a little. So the first time when he bit her, when she didn't feel any pain, it's becasue he didn't actually bite her properly. Which is weird, I know. I guess I just sort of figured that Bella isn't going to get out of the pain that comes with being turned intoa vampire. She isn't going to get out all the troubles and blood lust and stuff just becasue she's Bella. At least that's what I think. Which is why Edward had to bite her again and the second time it actually hurt, therefore the second time it'd actuall work. In theory. I know it's kind of twisted and weird, but I wanted to put a bit of a twist in it, almost like a joke from my point of view because it's such a cliffy to end on. So sorry for that, I know it's mean and if I was a reader I'd HATE that end.**

**Anyway, thanks to any readers, please check out My Alien cos I am SO not going to continue it I only get two reviews for the whole thing. I mean, seriosuly, I have my standards. Thanks again!**


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